Friday, July 29, 2011

My words fled before me like fleeing gazelle before the loping lion...

Indeed they did. I stood aghast and unable to form any kind of words as I stood before the man, not at all what I was expecting.

It began a few short minutes before that.  While outside conversing with Ben Wilson and Corrie about supper and the Cheesecake Factory and how inconvenient the restaurant truly is, what with having to wait 4 hours for a table, and then another 4 hours flipping through the 40 page menu, we were suddenly assaulted by green dots. Laser pens. Yep. Laser pens.  When it comes to fads, homeschoolers are either:
A) 15 years behind
B) prolong the fad 25 years too many.
Think about that for a moment.
Laser pens are one of those fads.
Corrie commented how that was the one fad back in the day that we were actually "on time" for, and that we felt pretty cool. They were red pens back then.
Then it happened. My eye felt like it had been scalded out of its socket. I wondered if I was instantly cloned, or a victim of some other robotic experiment. Yep, those darn kids up in their darn hotel room showering us in those darn green dots shone the darn thing right in my eye!
*Don't they know those things can blind you?!?* (Not really.)
Same thing happened to Corrie.  We waved, letting them know we were onto them and in on their cute little trick.
ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!! My eye!!! Those darn kids did it again!
We waved again. Corrie waved this time with her special tall finger. (Not really.)
They continued to be obnoxious, and it happened about 18 more times.
Then they went away and the three of us decided we would go say something to them about their grossly inappropriate  behavior - in a funny way (we do have a sense of humor after all).
So after much deliberation of trying to figure which darn floor they were on and then counting the windows (it took several minutes, believe it or not, to figure out the floor....Corrie didn't have the use of both hands...) we determined they were on the 6th floor, second room from the elevator.  We rode up, anticipation growing;  we were going to teach those darn kids a lesson!!! I was nominated to do the knocking and talking.  Each  of us suggested different methods of getting the point across.  Ben suggested I ask if they would like to practice shining it in my eyes at close range. Corrie thought I should take Ben's laser pen, shine it in their eyes and then ask how it felt.  We finally settled on my idea. I would knock and when the passel of rowdy teenagers (doubtless that they were) came to the door I would say with a charming smile, "Laser pens are fun, except not in peoples eyes," and then walk coolly away.  This deliberation of witty and smart one liners took several minutes to come up with in the elevator foyer.  I started down the hall with Corrie and Ben peering around the corner, camera ready to catch a video.  

As I reached the door, I froze. There on the handle lay the "do not disturb" sign. A cold sweat broke out on my forehead. Had we miscounted the rooms?!? Was this the room belonging to those rowdy ruffians or perchance was I about to knock on a room that belonged to someone else entirely? I quickly retreated (stealthily), and explained the sign.  Corrie told me that "Anyone who would invade somebody else's personal space by blinding them with a laser pen clearly doesn't deserve to hang a do not disturb sign on their door handle, and it doesn't matter." I decided this made perfect sense. 

Back down the hall I went (Ben was rather flabbergasted I was actually following through with this plan) and I knocked boldly on the door. Hearing a scurry of feet I smiled smugly to myself, *boy, are they in for a surprise!* I thought.  I heard the door unlock; victory was at hand!!!! There before me was....A little girl, yea, knee high to a grasshopper.
"Hello..." My voice quivered a little *No sympathy!!! She's the one who probably blinded you!* She ran back from the door and into the room, leaving it slightly ajar and me staring a little dumbfounded at where she had stood moments before.  I took the moment and gathered my courage, summoning my strength as I heard heavy footsteps approaching. Here it comes! I could taste their defeat as sweet honey on my lips, more scrumptious than any piece of chocolate cake I'd ever eaten. Here it was! The door opened AND....

My words fled before me like fleeing gazelle before the loping lion...and I was not the lion.
There on the other side of the door stood a man. A rather old man. As in, 50s? maybe 60s? *Well...he's not a kid.*  His crown was bald but from his temples and around his head hung greasy, shoulder length hair, speckled gray with age.
"Uhgh, um...." *Words! Say something! Quit looking like an idiot!* My mouth went dry and I crapped my pants. (Not really.)
"Laser pens are fun? but not in people's eyes?" My voice was weaker than a frightened mouse (a little bit higher, too). He looked surprised.
"You. guys. were. the. ones. shining. them. in. our. faces?.?" My speech was halting and unsure.
"Oh, yeah...we were trying to hit the ground. Sorry about that."
"Oh right. It's cool. It's all good..." Violet came running to me at this point and it triggered my mind out of its woeful state *move legs! MOVE!* I quickly fled the battle ground (better to run than to fight another day, right?).
He reassured me once more they were only trying to hit the ground.
As I walked down the hall, Corrie (completely unaware of the character I had encountered and only heard his explanation of "we were trying to hit the ground") decided it was time to bring in reinforcements and from her hidden position shrieked loudly enough for the whole hotel floor to hear "LIAR!!" in her best Princess Bride Valerie-wife-of-Miracle-Max voice ever. (Quite honestly, and to her credit, it was the best impersonation I've ever heard her give). I quickly buried my face in my hoodie, pleading silently for it to suffocate me.  As I recounted to my comrades how things had not gone entirely according to plan we discussed alternate outcomes like a "chose your own ending" and wished we'd taken a different approach. They'd got their come'uppance and justice had been served...I only wished I hadn't looked like a complete idiot in the process. Them homeschoolers...they'll get ya every time. Le sigh.

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