Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Tense up

Relax. Calm down. Breathe deep.That's what I tell myself when I feel the anger, or frustration boiling up inside of me that I can't control.
My jaw locks, my neck stiffens and what muscles I do have in my upper shoulders and neck tighten up and bulge out. My hands flex in and out of a fist and I pace. I pace so hard and for so long I could wear a hole in the carpet.
Tonight I found myself repeating those words over and over as I watched the mom hug my sister and my mother as she held her three year old child on her hip. The three year old who will be admitted into Vanderbilt Children's hospital tomorrow morning, outfitted in a halo and then put in traction for the next 8 weeks.
She is the same age as my niece, and it kills me. She's one of the reasons I'm going to school to be a Physical Therapist Assistant. I love kids. I HATE seeing them hurt, and I will do whatever I can to help them or prevent that hurt. They don't deserve it.
She's three and I know doesn't completely understand how her world is going to flip upside down tomorrow.
and I hate it. It makes me angry. So freaking angry that I found myself flexing my fists tonight, and pleading again with God that He would step in and do something. anything.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” ... “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope"
that's awesome. really it is, but I would really like to know those plans too God. 
I can't count the hours I've spent pleading, begging, crying for God to do something, anything. And every time I am reminded that He is God and I am NOT.
I do not mind admitting that yes, I am angry about this, and I am quick to let God know that I am angry and that I don't understand and I want to understand.  I am human after all and to suggest that I don't feel this way would fly in the face of my humanity. I am saved by grace and have a relationship with my Father that I trust I can come to Him angry and bitter over what is happening, to suggest otherwise would fly in the face of Calvary's love that breached the gap between my father and I.
 Our verse that our VBS is centered around this week comes from Romans, chapter 5
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that our sufferings produce perseverance, and perseverance character, and character produces hope and hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured into our hearts."
It is hard to rejoice when bad things happen, even when we have hope.
God has poured His love into my heart. I am HIS workmanship because HE is God and I am not.
I often comment to family and friends that I'm glad God is God and that I'm not. God is God in this situation. He's God in my life that is going about fine, and He's God in their lives which seem to be spinning out of control. I have to make the choice to rejoice right now, because my natural reaction is to throw a tantrum. I personally am glad that God's reaction to the situation is not a tantrum.  He's at work, I just can't see it, so I look ahead to the goal, to the prize. To the hope and future He has promised us.  And I rejoice in that.

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